Re-examination

I have taken time to process this post (Not A Piece of Meat) written by our friend Anja and really think about it in response to my post a few weeks ago. I am sorry that my delay (as opposed to posting an immediate and likely poorly thought out reaction) has been perceived as anger, avoidance, resentment or termination of a friendship.

I know that you, Anja, took some time after my post was written prior your response. I suspect during that time you really thought about what I had to say and how you feel about it. I hope you realize I have done the same in my reaction. I have worked hard as I have matured to keep my mouth shut when I am hurt because I know my own tendency to say hurtful and mean things (which I likely don’t actually mean) when I am feeling vulnerable. I did not want to react this way.

After reading this post I have re-read my own words. I realize how they could be construed as weakness, or finding my value in life dependent on my husband’s perception of me. This was not my intent.

My attempt was to put forth a call to myself for self-improvement and redefinition or the term “Trophy Wife.” The urban dictionary definition is definitely harsh, and I feel that the term should be redefined. I think the term itself is the problem, I really do think all of us want to be valued by our spouse/partner on some level.

Trophies are good things, they cause people to work hard, set goals, strive to improve themselves. This is my intent.

Part of this for me is becoming closer to the image God has called me to be. The whole intent of my blog actually is my growth, a good part of which is in Christ, and I do want to share it, with no intent to hurt or anger anyone.

I find the Proverbs 31 wife remarkable. She does work hard, extremely hard, but I think historically that was part of the time period. Her husband trusted her, and she kept her home well stocked and plentiful. She was kind to her servants, and generous to the poor. She had money of her own, buying a field and planting a vineyard. She is smart and strong and doesn’t carry worry for her and her family’s future. It is also noted that beauty does fade, but she is praised because she fears the Lord.

My husband adores me; I have no doubt of this. I also know he trusts me implicitly, not only in our relationship, but also to fulfill the tasks we have jointly determined I shall be responsible for in our household. My desire is to do these things better, and do more things better in caring for our home, our children, our relationship, and I choose to attempt this in a Biblical fashion. I also submit to my husband in times of conflict, because it is my expectation he is leading my family in the way God would have him lead. I see this not as a weakness, but as the ability to trust another in times of dissension, which is definitely a challenge for a strong personality such as mine.

I hope my message is clearer this time. It has not, nor will it be, my intent to hurt feelings or anger anyone or offend “the entire human race.”

I suspect there are many of underlying feelings which have drawn some of the feedback I have received. The way my own words have drawn my attention to issues very far from the point of the blog have certainly hit their mark, in spite of the hurt they inflicted. For this I am truly sorry. I make every attempt to be open-minded and caring, even though my trust in the Bible may tell me otherwise. It is clear to me now the mutual respect and understanding regarding our different views (in a dear and valued friendship) was sorely lacking on my part. I caused great offense, which was never my objective, and I do wish it had been brought to my attention earlier. I value both Anja and Crystal’s friendship greatly and hope my difficulty in response has not taken our friendship beyond repair.

I respect Anja as a writer, and I appreciate her ability to make me think, as she does so often through her blog and in person. This is very much a free country and I since I was born an American I hold dear the protection of free speech, regardless of how different the perspective is from my own. I will continue to follow her unless I am removed, because I appreciate being stimulated.

Silent Sunday

It’s Sunday and I’m sad. I am not typically sad on Sunday’s; in fact I usually love Sundays…but this one not so much.

It’s hot and humid outside, and I really don’t have any fondness for humidity. It make me feel sticky and I hate being sticky. I also don’t particularly like what it does to my hair either.

A strange wind is blowing too. The trees outside the window are moving strangely, slowly like a sloth, but in random eerie circles. The limbs are not moving in unison either; just random wiggles, arcs and sway’s like little demons jumping from branch to branch causing the senseless movement.

The sky was gray and full of rain this morning which I found lovely and refreshing. But now it is white and endless and dull. The sun is not breaking through nor is there any blue. Just endless white, flat cloud cover.

It is quiet in my home. A near noiseless quite, that at moments when it is broken shakes me, rattles me to the core. The sudden thundering of First Born’s feet up the hallway stirs me away from my thoughts which right now are deep and dark, questioning and seeking answer. I need the quiet, the silence, to swallow me up and keep me safe from the dark places my mind wants to take me; places I have not been for so long.

I know not why this day has come as it is. I am ok with this not knowing, but I seek Him in this sorrow-filled silence searching for answer, change…and peace.

Trophy Wife Tuesday

This week as I have prayed about the assets and attributes of a Trophy Wife I have been a bit overwhelmed at times by the sheer awesomeness of Mrs. Proverbs 31. This woman rocks, I mean really rocks. I have actually found myself wondering what Mr. Proverbs 31 does. I mean really, she does it ALL; so does he sit home eating bon-bons and shop HSN all day?

All kidding aside, I do want to be more like this woman, and I know God (who loves me mightily just as I am) would not have led me here if he didn’t expect some growth. So, this week I decided to make two areas of our home a bit more inviting for my Hero.

Now since we have two small offspring who think they rule our roost it is near impossible to create a haven exclusively for my Hero. So I found two rooms where he spends time and determined to make them more inviting for him (and me too).

Before I reveal the first room I worked on I need make crystal clear how blessed I am. My Hero does laundry, regularly. When my dad first got sick my Hero took over almost all the household duties to include the mountains of laundry a family of four produces. So one of the rooms I decided to make more inviting is the laundry room. Yes, the laundry room.
Here is a before:

And the after:



















Yes, it took a number of hours to get it all put away. And then I took some time to figure out how to make if more effective for the children to help with sorting. This post is actually significantly later than I had hoped today due to a stop off at our local Target store. I decided to pick up the curtains and then redo the storage bins. Tie-backs courtesy of the accessory clearance rack, woohoo! The two large bins on the floor will be used for additional ease of sorting for the children and each of us now has our own small bin to carry our folded stuff back to the bedroom to put away. I even picked up a little pink basket for all those solo socks that hang out in the dryer. I do think the result will inspire me to do more of the laundry, and hopefully be more inviting for my Hero when he does venture in.

The second space I took on this week was the bedroom. I was hoping to create a more welcoming space for both my Hero and myself to unwind and relax. Yes, the laundry sorting and putting away took hours, and the clutter control took about 30 minutes, but once it was complete I could really see just a few things I could change to encourage us to both spend more time in this room.















The table beside the settee was in our garage, the lamp was in a box in the guest room closet. I dug around and found some pleasant smelling candles as well as scented oils with pretty bamboo sticks. I dug around in the guest room where we have a pile of artwork and found the paintings for the walls too!









The only expense to create a couples haven was for the indoor plants added on each side of the bed. A quick trip with the children to a local greenhouse proved to be educational, fun and productive. The staff actually looked at pictures of the room to see the lighting to help us make the best selection. And then the kids had a great time helping re-pot the plants before we left. The gorgeous orchid was a gift thrown in by the amazing Lisa at the greenhouse as we were leaving with a lesson on how to properly care for it.

The best thing about this Trophy Transformation is the access to the settee and the small table. I have created a “prayer closet” without a door. I had yet to find a comfortable place in the house for my daily Bible reading, prayer and time-out from the children. It is awesome to sit here with my cup of coffee, my morning reading and quiet thoughts as the day begins. I am sure this location will be where I recognize many of the steps of my Trophy Wife Transformation.
This last one is just for anyone who knows me really well who might think I pushed all the treasures to the other side of the room. Haha, I really did put it all away!

Trophy Wife Tuesday

Prior to my separation from the working world I often joked that my goal in life was to be a Trophy Wife. The thought of sleeping until I just wake up, and enjoying pastry and gourmet coffee for breakfast prior to a visit to the club for tennis would be wonderful. Doesn’t spending the afternoon at a philanthropic luncheon with a shimmering martini in one hand and too many diamonds on the other sounds amazingly decadent? Wrap up the day with a quiet dinner with the children before they pleasantly slip off to bed and then have a respite with the worshiping husband and fall into sweet dream filled sleep in a huge, fluffy king sized bed.

The life of the trophy wife appears, to many, to be made up of Cinderella stories and all day luxury and pampering. Although the common stereotype is a compulsive shopper with little, if any, brain in her head, the reality is that most men who acquire a trophy wife have specific educational and social skill requirements. She must be able to hold her own at fund raisers and dinner parties as well as have a little ambition of her own. The negative, bimbo typecast typically rises out of rare, often publicized May December relationships.

I have been thinking deeply about the Trophy Wife. I have determined it is actually a worthy goal to strive for, but not either of the common descriptions we have.

Merriam-Webster’s definition of trophy:

1: something gained or given in victory or conquest especially when preserved or mounted as a memorial

2 a: a memorial of an ancient Greek or Roman victory raised on the field of battle or on the nearest land for a naval victory b: a representation of such a memorial (as on a medal); also: an architectural ornament representing a group of military weapons

3: a game animal or fish suitable for mounting as a trophy —usually used attributively

4: one that is prized for qualities that enhance prestige or social status —usually used attributively ,a trophy wife, a trophy house

As for me I would prefer not to be mounted and hung on the wall, but there are some redeeming characteristics of a trophy. I would like to be determined to be a prize worth having, then fought for and gained in victory. Think about all the blood, sweat and tears hockey players endure in conquest of the Stanley Cup or football players to win the Super Bowl; how awesome would it be to be so desired by my husband that such effort would be put forth to win my hand or, better yet, gain my heart? I ache to be prized for qualities I possess, although there are days I feel I have few which are praiseworthy. To have my husband consider me an enhancement to him, that my qualities increase his significance in the world, I think is truly a lofty goal.

As I contemplate this goal I turn to the Bible to see what it has to say. God only made it to the second chapter of Genesis before deciding man shouldn’t be alone and created him a suitable helpmate. And a very few verses later God calls the man to leave his mother and father and unite as one flesh with his wife. I would hope the man would find characteristics in this wife worthy of becoming one flesh with, a prize or trophy, so to speak. Although there are many mentions of the role of a wife, as well as many poor examples, there are a few I find closely related to the issue of trophy wife.

Proverbs 12:4 a worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.

Proverbs 18:22 the man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.

Proverbs 31:10-31 A Wife of Noble Character

¹⁰Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.
¹² She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

¹³ She finds wool and flax and busily spins it.
¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship, bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

¹⁶ She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She is energetic and strong, a hard worker.
¹⁸ She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night.

¹⁹ Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber.
²⁰ She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy.
²¹ She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes.

²² She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
²³ Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders.
²⁴ She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.
²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness.

²⁸ Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her:
²⁹ “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!”

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
³¹ Reward her for all she has done Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

A worthy wife is a CROWN, a man who finds a wife finds treasure, more precious than rubies? These verses stir a desire in me to be my husband’s crown, his treasure, and more valuable to him than gemstones.

This desire, to be my Hero’s trophy, is part of my growth. I am certain women today are not given the skills to be this wife described so beautifully in the Bible, and I know I am sorely lacking in many areas. Although I know God loves me just the way I am, He also knows I need to grow into the woman He designed me to be. Each week I am going to select a specific area to study, improve and incorporate into my life.

I hope through this journey my Hero will have his Trophy Wife who, at the end of the day, is prized and treasured, and better equipped to enhance his life on this earth.