Monday, January 25, 2010

I Love Facebook, but....

I love Facebook, probably too much. Ok, so I am perhaps addicted to Facebook, isn’t admitting there is a problem the first step to recovery? Not only do I like getting a quick catch up on my friends through their status updates, but I really enjoy seeing how people have changed and what kind of spouse they found and what their offspring look like.

The source of my addiction though is my farm…my beloved crops and barns, and cows and chickens, pigs, lambs, elephants, and the trees-I have hundreds of them. I love my farm and wait with eager anticipation for my crops to mature so I can harvest and plant again. I am obsessed with “mastering” each fruit and vegetable and I dedicate at least one visit each day to check on my ribbons. I also love that it is not cutthroat competitive, unlike my sweet Sorority Life and my majorly powerful Mafia. I check these each day too, but with a little less love than my farm.

But lately I have found another part of Facebook I am not sure I love…or even like for that matter. Some of those people, you know the ones from the WAY past, do not necessarily bring good thoughts or feelings with them. That boy you loved for so many years in grade school who never paid any attention to you…well except to tell you that you wore boy’s jeans and they made you act like a tomboy. The class bully who believed the class idiot to justify a fight. Oh and that guy who was such a nerd and you always picked on him…no real reason other than the fact that you could. The girl who loved to tell others she was more popular than everyone...and strangely she was. The boy who got kicked really hard in the groin. You see these faces and wonder “what are they doing now?” For me it is like a moth to a flame, a bee to a flower in bloom; I am drawn in and can’t stop the click. I have to look to see if they have turned out well or if their life has gone to crap (sometimes hoping for the latter). I cannot resist.

For the most part I check out job info, schools attended/degrees earned, and photos. I look to see if there is a webpage or a blog listed. If they have links I of course peruse those as well. It is amazing what you can learn about someone without them even knowing you are looking.

But some of these have left me with a pit in my stomach and sorrow in my heart. Have they really changed as much as it appears? Would they ever believe how much I have changed? Wouldn’t it be interesting to have a do-over on that relationship? Wow, now all that mess makes sense…

I have found myself wanting see some, and pray for many. I say “want” to pray, but haven’t yet. There are people who want to be prayed for by anyone. But there are people who would likely rather not be prayed for, especially by someone who they were not on speaking terms with the last time they laid eyes on each other. How offended would they be to know that I found out about the cancer, the broken relationship, the weight gain? And is there anything out there that I don't want them to know about me?

In all likelihood I will pray for them, and hope that Facebook leaves better left forgotten memories truly forgotten.

Friday, January 1, 2010 still

Sometimes the demons creep in when you aren’t looking, or paying attention and thus you are not wary or on guard. Sometimes the demons hide themselves so skillfully even when you are looking they still manage to get close, and get in…and get hold.

It is when they get hold that my world begins to slow, and eventually move in reverse taking me back to places I don’t want to go; places that scared me then and horrify me now…places no one can understand. And when I enter those places forward progress is impossible, growth comes to a screeching halt, and sometimes I feel I can’t even put on foot in front of the other. It is in these times I forget where I am supposed to put my trust, even questioning why I ever thought there was such an outlet for all the baggage I am certain I carry alone. The world turns grey and the shadows are in every direction I turn.

I have found that my demons were distracted recently though, or quite possibly I found a modicum of sensibility in my disoriented brain, and a few points of their attack were discovered. Funny, the strongholds I created against them still stand; they came from directions I never would have expected, hiding in trusted places I thought were safe…and they left me doubting, questioning, defending and attacking.

What to do about them now is the question, quite a conundrum, for they have come so close their place of residence cannot be severed from my world. It would be as difficult to remove their host as it would be to remove my own arm. The bloody buggers were smart this time, and have produced a dilemma.

The beauty of the situation is I know I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who a]">[a]infuses inner strength into me; I am b]">[b]self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].Phil 4:13 (Amplified). I know that I know that I know this for He has proven it to me before when life completely took my breath away and left me deflated and lost. All I need to do is release it to Him and hold on to the promises He gave me.

For the moment I will be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10), and in the stillness I will listen and hear when He speaks to me.