Monday, June 4, 2012

Four Years, A Minute, An Eternity

I don't know how four years can seem like yesterday. And then some days it feels like eons ago. I can never quite get my brain around how long exactly my dad has been gone, but the calendar tells me it has been four years today. Four...long...crazy...heartbreaking...lonely...busy...growth filled years. 

Most moments in most days pass without any heartache. Many pass now without even thinking about how much I miss Dad. We get up and go about our day, keeping busy and focused on the tasks at hand. Nothing significant most of the time worthy of stirring the memory.

And then there are the days when something major happens. A report card came for my First Born's first year of much my report card as his, and he got straight "A's." Yes, this is a moment when the wounded heart rips open when I remember I can't call Dad to share the joy. I know he would be proud of me, and First Born too.  He never doubted our abilities.

Small One, diva that she is, is reading like a high school lit prodigy. Dad wouldn't be surprised, he had high expectations of all of us. But when her eyes sparkle as she reads a poem that moves her I feel the ache rear it's ugly head in my chest because I know she will never experience sharing poetry with him as a child. He will never read her I Am Nobody! Who Are You? by Emily Dickenson. She will never hear him read Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost. I will never be able to tell him how she is gifted with the written word, just like he was.

I don't know if time will ever make sense to me again really. It isn't that I can't see my children growing and watch the days flipping on the calendar, it is just that time doesn't feel the same any more. I know the wound continues to heal. But I also know that life will never be the same and there will never stop being events that pick at the scab and pull at the scar. I continue to take one day at a time, always missing, always loving Dad...and knowing our time was cut short here on earth, but looking forward to eternity in Heaven.

I miss you Dad! Happy 4th birthday in Heaven.

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